Confessions:

The dull sound of the clock chiming in the hallway downstairs, heralds the four o’clock hour and I find myself staring blindly at the ceiling of my room in abject boredom. No, let me rephrase that. I am not bored by any means, but anything was better than going to that mini-seminar that one Kurata Ouza had organized for his ‘precious’ Team Japan. On any normal occasion, I would have gone whole-heartedly; anything to get me away from my home and from my nagging mother. But today was different. I, simply put, was not in the mood to go anywhere.

Or maybe I am just running away again.

The phone rings and I continue to lie immobile on my bed, eyes turning to stare at the plain rooftops outside my window. The wind chimes blow softly in the afternoon breeze and for one brief moment I am transported to a world free from chaos and noise. It’s a peaceful place. One in which he and I can be together with no interruptions or worries about rankings or games or…

“Hikaru?!”

Ah, the rude awakening to reality. How I wish I was anywhere but here.

“Hikaru?”

There is a soft knock on my door and my mother sticks her head in with the cordless phone in her hand. She has her palm, thankfully, over the receiver as she motions towards it. “Your friend is on the line,” she whispers to me. “Do you want to…?”

“Which friend?” I ask curtly, my eyes narrowed in wariness.

She purses her lips in thought and looks confused for a moment before shaking her head as recollection sinks in. “Ah, his name is Waya.”

I am unaware that I have given out a soft sigh of relief as I sit up to accept the phone from her grasp. Shooing her away, I sink back to the bed and place it against my ear.

“What do you want?”

He snorts at my greeting, knowing only too well that he had not bought my excuse of being sick especially.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan to tell Kurata-san that you are being a wimp, Shindo. But seriously, you should have come! It’s fun here! We get to teach all these kids who look up to you like you’re an idol or something. There are even Press people! And there’s…”

I groan weakly, closing my eyes and running trembling fingers through my hair as he continues to go on and on about how much fun they seem to be having. All of a sudden, I do want to go, but my stupid and stubborn pride won’t let me. As usual, Kurata had gone all out to make sure that a supposedly small Shindougo event would turn out to be such a party.

“…heh! Even Touya was smiling! Can you believe that?”

I can feel my blood run cold as the name continues to resonate in my mind like a persistent tune.

Touya. Touya. Akira. Touya.

Fuck.

What was he smiling about? What was there to smile about? When he was the one who had made me feel this miserable. What gave him the right to smile at anything?! What the hell gave him the right to have any fun?!

I barely notice that my fingers have tightened around the phone or that my other hand is trembling so badly that it is this close to ripping a hole right through my bed sheet.

“…Shindo?”

“What?” I reply, my voice sounding distant and vague.

“Are you okay? You don’t sound so good…you really are sick, aren’t you?”

Yes, I was sick alright. Sick of playing second fiddle to someone else’s emotions. Sick of being ignored. Sick of being hurt. Sick of being a pawn and nothing but another chess piece in Touya Akira’s world. He had hurt me and had hurt me really bad. I had fucking spent the last few nights crying to sleep. It was all his damn fault and there he was having…fun! He didn’t deserve it! He didn’t deserve it at all!

“Shindo?!”

He sounds panicked and I can hardly blame him. My voice sounds hoarse and thick and I know that I am bound to break down again if I don’t hang up the phone soon.

“I’m…I’m fine,” I finally whisper. “You guys have fun, okay?”

“Shindo! What the hell…?”

But I refuse to listen anymore as I switch him off with a firm click of the ‘talk’ button. I fall back to my bed and close my eyes, which feel hot behind my lashes. There is the undeniable sting of unshed tears but I refuse to let them fall. I swear to myself not to give in to this emptiness and void that threatens to consume and overwhelm me.

But the memories of that day come rushing back to me like wild waves upon a sandy shore. Raw, gritty and cold. I had felt all of that and then some on that fateful Thursday evening.

If only I could turn back time…


__



He smiled at me and I could feel my heart pound a bit faster at the look. It’s almost embarrassing to think that he can make me feel this way. But then again, it had taken me a whooping three months to finally realize what my true feelings were for this boy.

My rival. My friend. My…love?

Hopefully.

My cheeks are flushed with color as I pretend to be focused on fixing up the straps of my backpack. He begins to talk about the game we had just played, but he need not have bothered. I can still feel every play in my fingers, my mind, and my very body. Playing with Touya was a feeling like no other. The eagerness and anticipation that course through my being only does more to make me more aware of just how important he has become in my life. I have no doubt in my mind that he feels the same way for me...or does he?

Sure he acts like a maniac when it comes to our games (as in the quite lively arguments we always seem to have at his father’s Go Salon) and his passion over the…game…

I bite my lower lip in thought. It did seem to always boil down to one thing, didn’t it?

The game.

Touya was always excited about Go. He ate, slept, lived and breathed Go. It was in his blood, in his very essence. He craved it like a drug.

Like Sai…

Was there any room at all for me?

“Shindo?” he called me softly, causing me to lift my, unknowingly, sad gaze to meet his. I noticed the startled look he gave to me and I quickly tried to mask my emotion behind a warm smile.

“Ready to go now, Touya?” I asked hastily as I began to lead the way out of the building.

“Ah…not today, Shindo.”

I stopped in my tracks to stare at him in surprise. We always walked to the station together. What had to change today?

“Is there something wrong?” I asked quickly almost desperately as I had the dull feeling that this boy was slowing slipping away from my hands. I couldn’t explain the feeling to you if I tried, but there was this feeling of losing something and it was beginning to create a dull ache in my heart.

He turned away from me and made a show of tugging his sweater gently. I could feel a scream of frustration welling up from deep within me as I fought to catch his gaze. Why was he acting so evasive today? Was it something I had done or said? We had played a good game. He had even said so himself. He had smiled at me – that slow, seductive motion of his lips that never ceased to send a shiver of delight down my spine.

Yes, my dear friends, I had fallen completely, head over heels in love with Touya Akira and there was nothing I could do to stop or convince myself otherwise. How else was one to explain my sudden need to analyze every single movement he did? How else was there to explain my need to know his every plan, his thoughts, his dreams…anything and everything? I longed for a day that we could talk to each other about anything but Go, but until that day came, I knew I would have to settle for just being connected to him through a board game that could mean so much more than life itself to many.

“I…uh…” He gives me an apologetic smile. “I promised Ogata-sensei that I would go with him this evening. Sorry…”

The stab through my heart is one that causes me to gasp at its intensity. I didn’t care, right? Why should such a simple statement have me feeling this…hollow? It was just Ogata-sensei, a man I had known for almost six years now. Why should a simple car ride – something that they had both done on more than one occasion – warrant such a reaction from me?

And before I can control myself, I blurt out a bit too roughly. “Why?”

He stares at me in surprise as he very well should. My question seemed so out of place and quite frankly reeked of pure jealousy.

“Because I promised him that’s why,” he replied with a light frown. There is a defensive tilt to his chin now. His eyes – those incredibly expressive, beautiful green eyes – had narrowed in wariness. That sense and feeling of loss was growing by the second. I had to hold on to him for as long as I could.

“You promised to walk with me!” I cried out in anger. “We always walk home together! Why would you promise to go with him?”

His jaw clenched tightly and he glanced around the room, realizing that people had begun to stare at us in curiosity. “What’s the matter with you, Shindo?” he asked in a harsh whisper as he leaned closer to me. “Why are you acting like this?”

Was he genuinely confused? What was that flicker of uncertainty that had flashed within his eyes as he continued to stare at me? Did he have an inkling of what I was going through? Could he tell that I was crazy about him? Did he even care at all?

“I’m not acting in anyway,” I reply harshly as I refuse to lower my gaze. “You are the one who’s going against your promise…”

“But I never promised you anything, Shindo,” he answered with a slight shake of his head. Yes, there is confusion in his eyes now. He must be wondering just why I am so concerned about this. “We just walk home after the game because…because…”

“Yes? Because?”

Say it’s because you like me or you can’t do without me or that I make you feel butterflies in the pit of your stomach or that…

“Because it’s convenient, that’s all.”

If he had physically slapped me, perhaps that would have been better than the sheer intensity of the disappointment that flares through my being.

“Con…venient?”

“Yes,” he nods and scratches his cheek gently. He laughs in that embarrassed way of his and shrugs lightly. “It would seem a bit weird if we had to go our separate ways afterwards. I mean we do use the same train and all…”

I lower my lashes and clench my hands into tight fists by my side. “So what’s so different about today?” I growl out softly, feeling my throat tighten with a lump that holds all the pain I feel.

He sighs and comes closer to me. “Ogata-sensei is going to be playing with my father tonight, which is why I have to be with him.”

“Do you want to be with him?” I interrupt curtly.

“Wha…what…what are you talking about?”

I lift my shimmering gaze to meet his, watching those cheeks flush with color at my piercing gaze. Sweet Kami, if only he knew just how good he looked right now. I watch as he darts out a tongue to lick his lips and that’s the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. Before I can control myself, completely forgetting that we are in public and we might get caught, I close the distance between our lips and steal an unwarranted kiss from him.

It’s quick but more than enough for me to realize that his lips are just as I had envisioned them to taste and feel. Soft, yet firm. Sweet, yet with a taste all of its own.

The kiss was quick, but it was more than enough to have me shoved away roughly. So roughly, that I find myself having to steady my trembling legs by holding onto a chair.

He is wiping his lips with a look of pure irritation on his handsome features. “Baka!” he cries out and I swear I hear a catch in his voice. Is he trying not to cry as well? That would seem weird. I am the one who wants to cry here.

And as if needing to validate the loneliness creeping into my heart, I whisper hoarsely, putting in every emotion of need and love within my words. I need him to feel it. Need him to know just what he means to me. I need him…

“I love you…Touya…”

I cannot meet his eyes. I just can’t. I sink to the chair in defeat, expecting to hear the cold words of derision or disgust or both.

And I do.

“You…you…idiot!” There is that harsh sob from him again.

Touya…are you crying?

I lift my head to see for myself but a familiar honk of a horn heralds my nemesis’s arrival. I lower it again to my hands, refusing to look or to acknowledge his presence. My heart is devoid of any real emotion now as I listen to his receding footsteps. I wonder if he is aching just like I am. I wonder if he even knows what I am going through. I had done my part by confessing my true feelings to him. I had no doubt that he would no longer care to associate himself with me. I had done the unthinkable and I would have to pay for it.

I had lost the one person that could ever make me feel really alive.


__


That was a week ago. One long week of hiding from everyone. I refused to go to my lessons with Morishita and had deliberately kept my daily outings short, if at all. If my mother had noticed my behavior, she made no attempt to bring it up. I think she’s happy that she even has me at home in the first place. Go seems to have taken me away from her lately.

I curl up into a ball on the bed and sigh softly. Another long night awaited me and I would end up falling asleep feeling even more morose and miserable than before. How long was I going to wallow in self-pity like this? So what if Touya didn’t feel the same way for me? I mean, it wasn’t as if I was expecting him to jump into my arms and to say that he worshipped and adored me and would do anything and everything for me…was I?

Those happened only in fairy tales and believe me, this was no fairy tale.

How I wish Sai could be with me. I am sure he would have wanted to play a game to get my mind off things. The image of the smiling ghost dancing around me, urging me for just one game had me chuckling a little.

Yeah, if only Sai was here. I missed him so much…

“Hikaru?” My mother poked her head through my door again with a small apologetic smile. “You wouldn’t mind going to the grocery store for me, would you? I just need a few items and I have to finish up…”

“I’ll go,” I reply willingly, suddenly needing to leave the confines of my room to get some fresh air. She looks surprised, of course and I can’t help laughing again. I really was beginning to contradict myself in more ways than one. I feel like shit inside, but I am doing a fine job of confusing everyone with my jovial behavior. Shrugging into my coat, I accept the list of food items and begin to walk down the street and towards the hustle of the city.

It’s turning out to be a beautiful evening. Long shadows from the dying sun cast his dark orange glow upon my surroundings, giving it a soft and wistful feel to the end of a long day. Happy laughter from the playground on my left causes me to stop as I stare at the children enjoying their last few minutes of playtime. I feel a smile tug my lips as I notice two kids about the age of ten playing a game of Go beneath one of the many large trees that grace the grounds. As usual, my feet seem to take a life of their own as they lead me towards them. I stand silently, watching as their young brows furrow in thought over which move is best.

Once upon a time, I would have opened up my mouth to blurt out the next move, but I did not have Sai with me, neither was I so young and naïve. I had done a lot of growing up in the past five years, none more so than this past week. I had learned about the agony of heartbreak and misery. I had allowed something that would have been so precious and wonderful to me to slip from my fingers with rash and reckless actions.

Damn, I was such a fool.

“I guessed I would find you here,” came the soft voice that had me spinning around so quickly that I almost fell to the ground in my haste.

Standing a few feet away from me was Touya, still dressed in a quite classy dark blue suit. His hands were buried deep within the pockets of the slacks that seemed to fit him perfectly. The tie that would have usually been done so uptight and proper, was loosened to reveal his half-unbuttoned white dress-shirt underneath. A gust of wind went by causing those long dark-locks to flutter about his breathtaking visage. There was a small smile on his face. But it wasn’t smug or satisfied. It looked…shy?

But despite that, there was no doubt that Touya Akira looked too damn good for words and like an addict I was finding myself being sucked into the every essence that seemed to ooze from every pore of his body.

I was hurt, right? I had to get angry again, didn’t I? I couldn’t let him get to me this easily, could I?

“What do you want?” I ask coldly as I turn back to face the game with feigned interest. The boy with black hair was obviously gaining more territory… and my heart was beginning to pound even faster than before. Damn, even my mouth was beginning to get dry with my nervousness.

“I came to look for you,” he replied simply. Touya was never one to mince words. “I went to your house but your mother said you had gone grocery shopping and I guessed you would have walked this way…”

“Great detective work, Touya,” I interrupt icily as I struggle hard to stop my hands from trembling. “Now that you’ve found me, why don’t you get lost? Are you sure Ogata-sensei isn’t waiting for you somewhere?”

I hear his sharp intake of breath and a dull feeling of satisfaction flares through my being. Good, so he could feel pain as well.

“Shindo…”

“Gotta run, Touya,” I interrupt again with the fakest smile I can muster on my face. I step away from the game and him, waving lightly as I begin to walk away. “I’ve got some shopping to…”

“Shindo. Don’t.”

His arms. Oh, sweet Kami, his arms are around me!

Tight. So tight that I can barely breathe. So tight like he never wants to let me go. He has buried his face against my shoulder as he pulls me backwards gently. I can feel the solid strength of his chest against my back…among other things… as my face heats up with color.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers in a voice so thick with raw need that I feel my knees go weak with its intensity. “I’m sorry…so sorry for being…being a coward. All week…I’ve been thinking and even today – when I didn’t see you at the seminar, I felt so…so horrible, Shindo. You’ve been running away from me and I wanted…I just wanted to tell you how I felt…to apologize…”

Oh…Touya…

“Give me another chance, Shindo,” he continues in that same voice that is now tinged with desperation. “Please…let me make it up to you…”

“What…what are you saying?” I ask slowly in growing disbelief. This kind of stuff only happened in fairy tales, didn’t it? Was Touya about to confess his undying love for me? Yeah, fat chance of that happening.

I practically hear his blush as he mumbles against my shoulder. “I…uum…let’s try this all over again…?” he whispers and I can feel my cheeks heating up as well, knowing just what he is trying to get at.

“Are you…saying that you…feel the same way for me, Touya?” I ask with a small smile coming to my lips.

“Shindo!” he cries out in almost a whine. He can’t say it yet, but knowing that he came all this way just to find me makes it all worthwhile. I place my hand gently upon his and lean back into his embrace, my smile widening as he gasps softly at my reaction.

I steal a glance at the children playing and notice that they are gaping at us in surprise. One of them makes a face and leans close to whisper to his friend. I watch his eyes widen and the low ‘eeeww’ sound he makes. I can feel the laughter bubbling somewhere in the pit of my stomach and I end up chuckling in soft content.

“Shindo?” he calls me quietly as if wondering if I had changed my mind or not.

I pull away from his embrace to reach for his hand. Raising it to my lips, I smile softly and give a small nod of understanding.

“Let’s go, Touya,” I mumble as I begin to lead him away. I know he’s still confused with his emotions right now and will be for a while. For a boy who’s life has always been centered around a board game, I can understand his need for a way to differentiate between his feelings for me on a personal level and his need to kick my ass over a game of Go. Either way, I had a feeling that our new relationship was going to be a very interesting one indeed.

I couldn’t wait to teach Touya about a different kind of passion.

And this time it would involve a never-ending game between our hearts.


~Owari~