True Confessions
10:
Sunday evening in the
Sawada household and Shin found himself poking the salad on his plate, hardly
tasting anything. There was a pressing silence around the small dining table,
broken only by the sounds of tinkering plates and forks or the occasional
rustle of the newspaper his father was currently reading. Shin swallowed the
bile that rose to his throat as he stared at the hideous (at least to him)
business pages. It felt like a wall had been erected between them and it was
going to make things even more difficult for him. He stole a quick glance at
his mother, noticing that she ate with her head perpetually lowered as if
afraid to lift it for fear it would get bitten off. He sighed inwardly and
glanced at his sister, managing a small smile to her curious look. She was
looking pretty today. He noticed she had dyed her hair blonde. At least, this
time, his father couldn’t say he was to blame for the ‘rebellious’ change.
“Would you like more
salad, Shin?” his mother asked and he shook his head softly. He had barely
eaten a thing anyway. Reluctantly, he found himself comparing this scene to the
Oedo household. He could already see Yankumi and the others all sitting around
the small table with a hot pot meal before them. There would be laughter and
good conversation – a real atmosphere of family and companionship - something
Shin longed for. However, he had to remind himself that he had come back home
for a reason and although it killed him to do this, he knew it was for the
best.
“I’m going to Toudai,” he
suddenly muttered, shoving a forkful of green vegetables in his mouth.
His mother gasped in
surprise and pleasure. Natsumi’s eyes widened at the news. She had always
assumed that her big brother didn’t want to go there. The elder Sawada was the
only one who seemed unaffected by the announcement. He turned another page of
the newspaper and Shin found himself gripping his fork a little tighter.
Through clenched teeth, he forced himself to continue.
“I will try to visit the
school and meet with Professor Fujiwara since he personally wrote asking to be
my counselor. I plan on leaving next week.”
“That’s wonderful, Shin,”
the dark-haired woman gushed in delight and then turned to her husband. “Don’t
you think it’s wonderful, dear?”
Sawada finally lowered
the paper and for a moment, cool gray eyes clashed with the openly defiant ones
of his son. “It’s about time some sense sunk into his head,” he finally replied
coolly. “I’m glad to see you are finally taking the right steps.”
Shin smiled tightly and
stabbed a cabbage leaf, not tearing his gaze from his father’s as he continued
quietly but firmly. “I will go to Toudai… after one year overseas.”
“What?!” came the
simultaneous cries from both mother and father. Natsumi sat back and braced
herself for the shouting match that was bound to take place.
Shin shrugged. “I’m going
to Toudai like you wanted, but only after I get to travel overseas for a year
of voluntary service.”
“What in the world are
you talking about?” Sawada exploded, ignoring the pleading look his wife threw
at him. “Did you just come here to aggravate me? Do you think
“They will if you tell
them,” Shin replied with a small smirk. “They always do what you tell them,
don’t they?”
“You ungrateful…”
“So,” Shin interrupted
coolly. “One year overseas and then Toudai and if you don’t let me do that,
then you might as well kiss off any chances of me going to that school at all.”
“Get out,” Sawada growled
as he rose to his feet slowly. “Get out of my house now!”
“Daddy!” Natsumi pleaded
realizing that this scene was about to be repeated all over again. It was the
very same reason Shin lived alone now. “Daddy please, it’s just for one year…”
“Don’t you interrupt me
when I am talking!” Sawada bellowed, causing Natsumi to shrink back in her
chair with her hands slapped over her face.
Shin had heard enough.
“Don’t you dare yell at her!” he shouted in fury, rising to his feet as well.
“All I’m asking is for one lousy year away and you can’t even let me do that!”
“I should have left you
in that prison to rot,” came the cold reply that sent a chill down Shin’s
spine. He barely heard his mother’s sob of dismay or Natsumi’s furious scream
as she ran out of the room.
“Then maybe you should
have,” Shin replied tightly. “Fuck this. Fuck this all! I’m out of this goddamn
family!”
“As well you should be!”
Sawada replied icily. “No son of mine is going to turn out to be a reject of
society. So why don’t you go take your precious break overseas and don’t ever
think of coming back here, do you hear me!”
“You’re damn right I
won’t come back! It’s over!” Shin slammed a fist into the table, watching with
angry delight as the plates fell to the floor in a million tiny pieces. He
stormed out of the house without a second glance, running past the guards, out
of the gates and into the street.
Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!
He continued to run as
fast as his legs could take him. He sped down the road. Not caring where he
ended up or if a car decided to run him over. He was barely aware of the hot tears
that had begun to slide down his cheeks or the searing ache in his heart that
would never heal. He ran until his legs began to hurt and even when he felt he
couldn’t take another step, he punished himself even harder by forcing them to
go the extra distance.
He finally fell to the
ground in a boneless heap, sucking in huge gulps of precious air as he pounded
his fists into the cold pavement. He ignored the curious looks he got from the
few passersby or the fact that his knuckles were beginning to bleed from the
wounds he was inflicting on them. He would have continued to beat himself up,
if the strong hand hadn’t stopped his frantic movements.
Like a caged beast, he
snarled and bared his teeth ready to fight with whoever had dared to stop him,
only to find himself staring into the familiar scarred visage of Kyou-san.
Tetsu and Minoru flanked his sides and they all looked rather sinister behind
the dark sunglasses which hid their eyes. Although they might have looked
frightening to others - to Shin, these were suddenly the most beautiful faces
in the world. And not caring if it made him look weak, he flung himself at
Kyou’s feet and cried openly for the first time in his life.
Yankumi
listened to their story with a slow nod, glancing towards the room in which
Shin currently lay fast asleep. Kyou shook his head and cracked his knuckles.
“Just let me at him once,
Ojou,” he said with a low growl. “Just let me pummel the guy’s face one time,
that’s all I ask.”
“And then they’ll send
you to the slammer faster than you can say rice cakes,” she said dryly as she
took another sip of sake. “No, it’s no use trying to go against him again.
We’ve already done that once and if we do it again, we might be pushing our
luck.”
The men sighed in
frustration and Yankumi frowned. She knew what and how they felt. She too had
had to restrain herself from running to the Sawada household to beat some sense
into the Senator. How any father could do that to his son was beyond her
comprehension. It wasn’t as if Shin was a bad kid to begin with. He was the
perfect son and yet…
“Damn it!” She slammed
her cup on the table, ignoring the winces it elicited from the men who watched
the small crack form on the fine wood finish. “What the hell is wrong with him!
Disowning his son! The bastard!”
“Yelling isn’t going to
solve anything,” Kuroda said quietly as he stepped out of his quarters causing
his henchmen to bow and make room for him in the living room. “What we need to
do is find a way to raise him…at least.”
“I don’t want him to be
raised here,” Yankumi said firmly with a scowl on her features. “He doesn’t
need to be involved with what we do.”
“And what if he chooses
to do so,” Kuroda asked with a raised brow. “You cannot decide his future for
him, Kumiko. If so, you’re only going to be acting just like his father.”
She shuddered and lowered
her head in thought. “I only want the best for him,” she finally muttered. “And
I don’t think being a member of the yakuza is going to help.”
Kuroda eyed his
granddaughter for a moment, and then motioned for the men to leave them alone.
Once out of sight, Kuroda reached for her cup and helped himself to a sip or
two. “One thing you always have to remember, Kumiko,” he began quietly. “Is
that no one chooses to be born into whatever family they end up with. When we
come out from our mother’s womb, we are doomed or destined to be a part of
whatever tribe, race, culture or disposition life throws at us. If I had a
choice, I would have wanted to be born to a simple farmer and his wife in the
country side, but no, I wasn’t.”
“Ojii-chan…”
“From the moment I was
born, I was destined to fulfill this role whether I wanted to or not. I will
admit I had a lot of hardships along the way, but I learned to accept it and to
make my father proud of me. I will also admit that I had hoped your mother
would continue but you already know how that turned out.”
She lowered her head. Her
mother had run away with her father – an ordinary school teacher.
“Perhaps a part of me is
happy that things turned out this way.” He smiled bitterly at her shocked gasp.
“I know it is a terrible thing to wish for, but if they hadn’t died…they might
have never let you see me.” His smile became tender and wistful. “My daughter
was determined never to let you know about this side of your family and I will
admit it did hurt to realize that. However, never doubt my love for your
mother, Kumiko. She was the most precious thing to me and to lose her was like
cutting off a bit of my heart. If I lost you too…I might as well no longer have
any cause for living.”
She blushed and smiled
warmly. She had never heard her grandfather this candid before. He always
looked so stern and commanding but now…he felt closer to her than ever before.
“I will not say that I am
not a bit disappointed that you will no longer carry on the tradition, but I
have come to understand and respect your wishes over the years, Kumiko and I
know that you have made the right choice in life. Now, he on the other hand…”
They glanced into the bedroom where Shin still lay motionless. “…he is no
longer a child. He is a young man now who needs to make a decision on what path
he wishes to take. Let him grow into it on his own, Kumiko. And just like I
have respected your wishes, you will have to respect his as well.”
She clenched her hands
into tight fists and nodded slowly in understanding. She wouldn’t rush Shin
either. She would watch and allow him to develop and perhaps hope that someday…
/Wait for me…/
She sighed and lowered
her head again, hiding her blush from her grandfather’s penetrating stare.
“Ojii-chan…what if…what if he…?”
How could she even ask
that question?
“What if what? He shows
interest in you?”
“WHAT?” She sat upright,
eyes widened in shock at the amused look in the man’s eyes. She waved her hands
about frantically. “But I don’t…I mean he’s not…how do you know?!”
Kuroda laughed and rose
to his feet. “Call it an old man’s hunch. Ah, but things should be interesting
around here now.”
“Eh? What do you mean
interesting?! Ojii-chan! Come back and tell me what you mean by that!”
“Shut up, Yankumi,” came
the barely audible mumble from Shin. “You’re too loud.”
“You shut up!” she yelled
back, flushing darkly. What was wrong with everyone in this house? “And go back
to sleep, you dumbass!”
Monday
was rather uneventful at school. Since the third years had no classes for the
reminder of the week, she was left to organize notes and prepare lessons for
her next school year. Of course most of her thoughts seemed to wander off
towards Shin and his current status. He had been rather quiet this morning,
joining the other men in the household with small duties here and there. She
was quite surprised to find how well adjusted and comfortable he had become
with Kyou and the others and wondered why it was such a good thing. She didn’t
want him growing up as a member of the kyodai and yet…she didn’t want
him out of her sights either.
They had walked to school
together this morning and even though she tried to make conversation with him,
he hadn’t talked much. She even stole a soft kiss from his lips in the safety
of an empty hallway and although he had responded, it had felt almost automatic
and lifeless. The lukewarm response had hurt.
She hoped their sparring
match this afternoon would help to open him up a bit more. She knew he was
probably going through a lot at this time and she was determined to help him
out in any way she could.
“Why did
you leave school so early?” she asked with a scowl on her visage as she stepped
into the backyard dressed in a pair of black tracksuit pants and a white t-shirt.
She held a wooden stick which looked eerily like a bokken in her right
hand causing her opponent to eye it warily. “Well?!”
“I had things to do,”
came the quiet reply as Shin rose to his feet. He too was dressed in a pair of
dark sweatpants and a white tank-top which showed off strong shoulders and
well-toned arms. Goodness, he must have already been working out before she
invited him over!
Must not stare too
long. Must. Not. Stare!
“You should have at least
told me you were taking off!” she growled, falling into a stance and watching
as he mimicked her actions. “Then I wouldn’t have had to wait like a fool in
front of the school!”
“So what? Are we a couple
now or something?” he asked with a small smirk. “Why should you care if I go
home early or not?”
She blushed at the
insinuation. “You bastard. You wish we were a couple!” She struck out with her
left leg, so fast that Shin barely had the time to block the kick intended for
his head. He held up his arms but still staggered backwards as the blow struck its
target. She barely gave him the time to recover before using her right leg this
time. He cursed and held up his arms again to block. This time he succeeded.
“Hit me!” she yelled,
continuing to attack mercilessly. What was worse was that she still held on to
the bokken and Shin had to wonder if she had plans to hit him with that
anytime soon. “I’m fighting with one of my hands ‘tied’ and yet you can’t hit
me!”
Knowing it was a
deliberate insult and meant to humiliate him; Shin growled and decided to go on
the offensive. He threw a series of punches and swift kicks, remembering her
concerns over him being too careful with her. But she needn’t have worried, he
was angry – not at her per se, but at the way things were turning out in his
life. He hadn’t gone back home to start a fight or to get disowned. He hadn’t
gone back home to make Natsumi even sadder. He hadn’t gone back home with
intentions of breaking all ties with his family and yet it had somehow happened
anyway. He was finally alone and no longer under any obligation to
please his father. All funds, which had reluctantly been given to him all this
time, were no longer to be expected. He knew he would have to find himself a
job – a good paying job - if he hoped to keep up with expenses. He had already
saved enough for his trip, but he would still need more for the next few weeks
at least.
Damn it! Why was
everything so fucked up in his life?!
In his frustration, he
suddenly saw his father’s furious visage before him and before he could control
himself, he struck out with a feral yell. All his pain, anger and sadness
seemed to be in that clenched fist and if it wasn’t for the strong arms of
Kyou-san around his waist, he would have continued to slam that fist into his
‘father’s face’.
“It’s okay, Young Lion,”
Kyou whispered harshly in his ear, trying to steady the heaving teen within his
arms. “It’s okay…”
Yankumi sat up slowly,
wiping the blood from her cut lip as she eyed the young man who had lowered his
head and now lay limp within Kyou’s embrace. She had felt it. Her swollen cheek
and she was now sure she had a loose tooth somewhere, were all signs of just
how efficient Shin’s blow had been. She could have dodged it if she wanted to,
but she had wanted him to let it go. He had been too tense and uptight - holding
back all those emotions inside of him had finally made him snap and she was
glad to see it.
She rose to her feet,
ignoring the concerned cries of ‘Ojou’ from Tetsu and the others. She walked
towards Shin and stopped within inches of him. He refused to lift his head even
as Kyou released him gently.
“Yankumi,” It was a soft
but choked word which struck a cord so deep in her heart that she found herself
pulling him into a fierce embrace. He welcomed the warm strength of her arms,
burying his face against her chest as his arms tightened around her waist. Kyou
watched the intimate scene for a moment before nodding firmly to the others to
allow the two to their privacy.
She held him for a long
time, feeling her t-shirt get damp and knowing it wasn’t from her sweat either.
She slowly sank to the ground without releasing him neither did he make an
attempt to let go. His soft sobs joined in the melodious cacophony of running
water from the koi pond, Kyou’s sharp reprimand to Tetsu in the background and
the distant sound of sirens. Yankumi closed her eyes and rested her chin gently
on his head.
“Will you talk to me now,
Shin?” she asked quietly. “Tell me…everything.”
He remained silent for a
good minute but then pulled away gently, wiping his face with the back of his
hands quickly. He felt embarrassed at allowing himself to be that vulnerable,
but meeting her sincere dark eyes, he knew there would be no cause to feel that
way. Taking a very deep breath, he began to speak, trying his best to convey
all the conflicting emotions within him. When the right words failed him, she
would squeeze his hand a little in encouragement. Gradually, he became more
passionate with his words, no longer afraid to hold back the anger and yet
misery that filled him each time he mentioned his family. He could do without
his parents, but he couldn’t help being worried about Natsumi. She had already
gone awry once, what stopped her from doing it again?
“Natsumi is a young woman
now, Shin,” Yankumi reasoned softly. “I’m sure she can deal with things now on
her own and if she doesn’t, she knows that she’ll always have you by her side.
The question is…what do you plan to do now? You still wish to go overseas,
don’t you?”
He nodded softly. “I’ll
go. I had planned to go to Toudai next week…but since that’s not feasible, I
think I will prepare for my trip instead.”
She blinked in surprise
at the sudden decision wondering why she felt a funny sensation in the pit of
her stomach at the news. “You’ll go…so soon? But what about a job and…and…”
“I have enough money
saved up for it,” he said with a small smile as he lay back on the grass to
stare at the heavens. A few stars had begun to gleam in the darkening sky.
“It’s what I’ve always wanted to do…even before you showed up in my life. It’s
not going to be easy I know…but we’ll have three square meals a day and the
rewards from helping those in need will make it all worthwhile.”
Shin…
She lowered her head and
bit her lower lip in thought. “So…when exactly…?”
He pursed his lips. “In
about a month or two at most. I have to stop by the Volunteer Office to get all
necessary documentation and…mmphff!”
Her lips upon his were
quite unexpected and Shin would have been a fool not to have noticed the
desperation within the kiss. His eyes, which had widened at the contact, closed
as he responded eagerly, feeling for the first time in a long while that he was
finally at ‘home’ in more ways than one. It was going to be tough to say
goodbye to her when the time came, but he needed to do this to prepare himself
for her.
Finally, she pulled away
slowly, watching his long lashes open slowly to reveal his dark eyes to her
gaze.
“Kumiko?” he asked
thickly with a raised brow at the rather sad expression on her face but he assumed
it was just his imagination because she was smiling warmly again.
“Let’s go inside,” she
said, rising to her feet and holding out a hand to him. “I don’t want you to
catch a cold.”
He stared at her for a
moment longer, not sure if he had actually seen that expression on her visage
or not, but accepting her offer, he held on to her hand. He waited with abated
breath for Yankumi to pull hers away as they approached the house, but to his
inner delight she did not let go. If anything, she squeezed his hand gently as
if in reassurance. If the kyodai noticed the rather intimate gesture,
they made no mention of it but settled for sharing knowing looks with one
another.
It seemed like the Ojou
had finally made her choice.