Conversations with the Sun:

 

Ah, this is the life. What could be better than lying out here in nothing but the suit that was given to you the day you came into this world, enjoying the feel of that blazing ball of energy in the sky. It’s the sun mind you, but you know me, I never like to mince my words.

 

I am lying on my back…I probably shouldn’t be doing that, but I don’t really care. I know Rashid has been coming in and out of the mansion to take a look at me, but he can’t say much. After all going against the master’s wishes is a big no no around these parts. There is movement on my left and I reluctantly remove the sunglasses that are perched on my nose.

 

“Akhmed,” I greet cheerfully. “Fancy meeting you here!”

 

He may be dark-skinned, but I don’t fail to notice the way the Arabian blushes at my greeting. He is one of the few Magnaucs that has actually taken the time to talk to me on a personal basis. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if they aren’t all friendly or accommodating – it’s just the fact that they all tend to act a bit…stiff around me, you know? Sometimes I wonder if they have something against me, but their master had insisted otherwise.

 

Something to the effect of ‘They are always that way to everyone’ had been his response, but I figured there was no point in rehashing that again.

 

“I know I have no right to tell you what to do, Master Duo, but…would it be possible for you to at least put some shorts on, sir? We are having…I mean some of the men around the grounds are having a hard time…”

 

That got me laughing like a maniac. Get it? They were having a ‘hard’ time? Poor Akhmed. Looked like he had been the scapegoat designated to tell me to behave myself. And, somehow, managing to stifle my laughter down to a few giggles, I agree and decide to do the honorable thing. I slip back into my black swim shorts and lie back on the lounger with a thumbs-up sign.

 

“That better now?”

 

He gives an audible sigh of relief before nodding quickly. “Thank you, Master Duo.”

 

“No problem,” I reassure him with a wave of my hand.

 

He leaves and I feel the ‘friendly’ vibes within me dissipate to nothing. The smile I had had on my face is wiped off now as I stare at the muted glare of the sun above me. It’s still hot outside, but I suddenly feel as if a chill has begun to seep its way into my body.

 

We are on a much-needed break. He and I, that is. We returned from another OZ base destruction the night before and even though I haven’t had much sleep, I still wasn’t ready to give in to the aches and pains my body was going through. Those OZ guys were becoming much bolder as the days passed. They are beginning to create new mobile suits that have more firepower than their predecessors. I suddenly feel a twinge in my lower back…my spine actually, but I suck in the pain with a faint grimace. It will heal quickly. It always does. I also know that I have a broken rib. It’s clearly not visible, although the bruise on my skin is a bit faint. If he were to see it now, I know he would flip.

 

Lucky thing I didn’t break my nose this time around. Man…war can be a brutal thing.

 

It had really been by chance that we met at all. We had been assigned to different bases, but I had had to stop at Sector X2199 to check out the damage on Deathscythe. He had come in a few hours later and to be honest, I felt a bit jealous that his gundam hadn’t taken more of a blow. Damn it, even he looked as if he had just stepped out from a routine training exercise. How could he always look so cool in the heat of battle?

 

I shift again and sigh softly. Behind my sunglasses, the sun looks so huge. We are on earth, after all and as much as I love space and all it has to offer, I still can’t get over the simple beauty of the sun or moon and the stars at night. Hn…who knew the God of Death could be so sentimental?

 

I turn on my stomach and close my eyes. There really is no use trying to think too much right now. Once the day is over, we will be separated again. I have already gotten my orders for the next base to be destroyed. I feel a deep, hollow feeling of gloom fill my being as I realize that I will again have to do my ‘duty’ all too soon. The body count is steadily rising. How many have I killed in the past week alone? A hundred? A thousand? Tens of thousands?

 

Shit…and then I have to hear their damn cries of death fill my ears all the time.

 

Funny how during the act of killing your body or mental capacity for rational thinking shuts down so quickly. It’s like a damn ritual. Locate the enemy. Target locked. Fingers on the trigger. Pull. Push. Recite your mantra and watch them blown to smithereens before you. It’s a bit sickening that your body and mind seems to derive a strange feeling of satisfaction once the deed is done. I used to think Heero was psycho for always laughing after he had done such a thing, but I think I can understand where’s he coming from. For one brief moment, you feel as if you are invincible. The title and role of ‘Shinigami’ takes on a whole new meaning and you feel like there is nothing in the world that could ever stop you.

 

I wonder how he feels about killing others for the sake of peace?

 

“You wonder what?”

 

I turn around to stare at the muted glare of the sun above me. He has warm aquamarine colored eyes that seem to stare right through my soul. His skin is quite pale, but that should be expected from someone who has come from such a far off distance.

 

“You came to me,” I mumble more to myself than to him. He stares at me with a rather comical expression of bemusement on his breathtaking features before that familiar smile graces it. It’s a warm smile - as well it should be. And somehow, the chill that had filled my body melted away like snow on a hot summer’s day. “Why would you come down to me?”

 

“Don’t be silly, Duo,” he says around a chuckle as he steps a bit closer to me. He places a hand against my forehead. “You don’t have a fever, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. You’ve been out here for too long.”

 

He steps away again, but this time, he takes off the light khaki pants he has on to reveal the dark blue swim trunks beneath. Through my dark veil, the creamy flesh is much more appealing to me. Lean hips taper off to quite strong looking legs. I marvel at the way the muscles stretch and contract as he does a few warm up exercises. He swings his arms a little. My admiration at the strength displayed within the frail-like things steadily grows by the minute. Sadly enough, it isn’t the only thing growing.

 

Ah, to worship the sun.

 

He stands at the edge of the pool and stares at the water before him. It’s a magnificent blue that gives off flashes of brilliant light as the sun’s rays dance upon it. He sticks a tentative foot into it and then shrinks back with a soft sigh. Typical. I doubt that the sun would like water very much. Perhaps it feels like once it goes in, the wet caresses of the water will wash away its vitality.

 

“I guess I’m not in the mood today,” he says with a light blush of embarrassment on his cheeks. He lies on the lounger beside me and the heat within me grows. Thank goodness, I’m still lying on my stomach. Although, it’s really beginning to hurt down there.

 

We remain silent for a while. Thinking of things that we probably don’t want to say. He looks so small in that chair, but there is no denying the power he is capable of possessing especially when he’s angry. Try getting the sun angry, dear friends and the burn you suffer afterwards can be quite deadly.

 

He begins to talk. Something about his father’s company. He’s going to inherit it someday, that much I know. He’ll do a fine job being the top man in that dark world of capitalism and corruption. Perhaps he will wield his god-like skills and turn that world around. Or perhaps, he will continue to preach pacifism and hope that things turn out alright in the end. I sigh softly. There’s more to life than being a pacifist.

 

There’s death.

 

“Do you feel?” I suddenly ask. “When you erupt…do you feel?”

 

He does not answer for a while and I know that my question has him stumped. No matter, I’ll get a response sooner or later.

 

And I do.

 

“Sad. Empty. Alone.”

 

“What about the thrill? The thrill of killing.”

 

“No thrill comes from taking other people’s lives. With each slice of my blade, I die a little inside.”

 

“Why don’t you quit then?” Why do I suddenly feel angry? Had I expected him to feel the same excitement that coursed through my veins each time I took a life? He couldn’t understand, could he?

 

Damn him.

 

I can hear the smile in his voice. But it’s a sad smile. “The same reason you can’t, Duo. We are bound to our fates and destiny. It’s a path we were made to follow. There’s nothing we can do about it.”

 

“We can always change our destinies. We never have to follow them.” I sound so defensive. I can’t help it. He wants to make me think and I don’t want to.

 

“If I could, I would, Duo. If I had a choice, I would have preferred to live on this planet. To live in a world where there are no more wars or mobile suits or deaths. I want that, Duo. But I can’t have it, do you understand? To get what I want, I have to make a lot of sacrifices. Just like you.”

 

I turn my head a little to stare at him and our eyes clash. It’s a piercing gaze. One that has me pinned against a solid brick wall that I can never escape from. I shiver and it’s not from the cold. The sun can be quite punishing when it chooses to be.

 

“You are the ‘God of Death’,” he says softly. “Your judgments are impartial and quite swift for anyone who fails to comply by your rules.” His smile became more genuine as he stretched his arms up. “It’s only natural that you should feel ‘happy’ when you take a life. But then again…the fevered high takes you back down to a depressive low. A low that makes you question your worth as a…human.”

 

I wince inwardly. The sweat is beginning to break out on my skin. Perhaps I am finally getting punished for being out here for too long.

 

“I am human,” I say quietly as if trying to convince myself of that.

 

“There is more to being human than having legs, arms, a head and a scythe between your legs, my morbid friend.”

 

He laughs and I smile. Even he has his good moments and this is one of them.

 

We remain silent for a while and then I say, for no reason at all. “My scythe is bigger than yours…and longer too.”

 

I see him flush with color and turn around quickly to lie on his stomach. Too late, I already noticed that his weapon had risen to the occasion. I laugh and turn on to my back, letting him see just what I meant. I would have taken off my shorts, but I didn’t want to give him a heart attack. But there was no doubt that I needed to have it relieved of its painful duty at this time. I watched as it moved a little within my shorts - raised a brow as it seemed to rise a bit higher – against my stomach now – a small dark stain forms on the cloth.

 

Damn.

 

I am not sure I can talk my way out of this.

 

I know it’s too much to ask, but we are both victims of our own fates…and destinies.

 

Tomorrow or later on tonight, we will be out on the battlefields again, trying to survive. I will take more lives and get my morbid high. I will sink into my depressive state a few hours later. My hands would tremble as I type up my report to the scientist. I will sleep fitfully (for a while at least) somewhere…not here, that’s for sure. We will be separated again come morning.

 

I will cease to be human for another day.

 

I turn to stare at him again. He has been watching me all this time and there is a similar look of understanding on his fair features.

 

Don’t say anything, Quatre, I beg inwardly. Let’s just do it and try to fill the empty void within our soulless bodies.

 

“Are you afraid, Duo?” he asks me softly as he gets off the lounge and makes his way towards me. “Afraid of your own fate and judgment?”

 

He straddles me and I am lost.

 

The heat is becoming unbearable.

 

He takes off my glasses and I am exposed to the burning intensity and scrutiny in his gaze. Is that fear I see in his eyes? Loathing? Worry? Hate? Concern? Lust? Desire? Love?

 

“I am…everyday,” I finally admit in a whisper against his skin. His hot, burning skin. “Are…are you?” I dare to ask but he doesn’t reply. Was I really expecting an answer? I doubt it.

 

But it feels good - this sinful communion of flesh. I will cry out in pleasure or pain as he takes me again and again, but I deserve it and I will receive it with no protests.

 

“You came down to me,” I mutter against him, as I finally close my eyes in readiness to become the perfect sacrifice.

 

And as he fills me, I know I am crying inside.

 

I have always watched the sun from a distance, admiring its simple beauty and yet in awe of its immense power. But now…now, he is within me and I know now that I never want to let go of this fire he has sealed in my darkened heart.

 

Finally, it seemed that my conversations with the sun were about to become a bit more personal.

 

 

 

~Owari~